How Chill’s Teacher Training Began to Transform Me Before It Even Began
The idea of a regular meditation practice sounds great to many. What could be bad about setting aside time to focus on the breath, to be still, to be peaceful? Taking that concept one step further by getting certified to teach meditation may sound even better. It certainly did to me when I first learned of Chill’s 100-hour teacher training. Not only would I enhance my own practice, but I would become certified in meditation and thus would be able to help others to incorporate meditation into their lives.
With thoughts of one day leading a group of my teenage daughter’s friends in meditation and also with aspirations of helping some stressed-out family members, I quickly signed up for this training. With excitement and hope, I waited for details about the program. We were first informed of some required reading. We were told that we would gain knowledge about everything from the history of meditation to the science of the brain. I love books and learning, so this was all sounding great. Then, we were told that we are going to have to do at least five unguided, 30-minute meditations on our own each week, in addition to two 30-minute guided ones. And, just like that, my excitement fell down a notch or two. Thirty minutes of unguided meditations? Almost every day? My meditations for the past couple of years have been mostly 10 or 15 minutes of guided meditation. This was going to be so challenging, I told myself. I can’t sit that long. I tore the labrum in my hip and it’s going to be so uncomfortable. Sitting in silence will be so hard. Talk, talk and more talk swirled inside my head the antithesis of a mediation practice!
Then, a week before Chill’s program began, my books arrived and I dug into the readings. Within minutes, truly, my attitude was already being transformed. In the introduction of the first book, “Full Catastrophe Living,” author Jon Kabat-Zinn explained how mindfulness is “the awareness that arises by paying attention on purpose, in the present moment, and non-judgmentally.” There it was. The meaning of all of this: to be aware, present and accepting. No judgment was welcome. I had been thinking about how things were going to look once I had the certification. Then, I was thinking about how trying it was going to be to actually do the lengthier mediations. When all I had to do was simply be. Just be in the present moment, seeing what comes up in each practice.
Kimberly and Darrell, the leaders of this training, made it very clear that this was about exactly that: just being aware and mindful and present. And, after just two weeks into this program, I am already hearing their words and heeding their lessons as I do daily tasks. There is not a big obvious change, but rather, there are these daily, subtle changes. For example, when I went for a bike ride the morning after our first class (and after I woke up and meditated for 30 minutes), I noticed that I rode more effortlessly than ever before. I was aware of my breath and suspended all thoughts other than ones relating to the current moment. So I wasn’t thinking about how I had six miles to go and that I had that big hill ahead that was going to be hard. I just thought about my feet on the pedals and the scenery around me. I simply focused on my breathing and being present.
In addition to the little changes that immediately occurred, more impactful experiences were occurring, as well. I went for a walk yesterday morning and was thinking about the fact that I’m turning 50 soon and started wondering if I’m where I want to be in my life, what I want to change, etc. Then, I remembered the previous night’s reading and its reminder that nothing is absolutely stable. Everything in our world and within us is evolving and changing. It’s how we perceive this change that is most important. As I read more of Jon Kabat-Zinn, every word deeply resonates with me: “Remember, we are simply allowing anything and everything that we experience from moment to moment to be here, because it already is. The invitation is to simply embrace it and hold it in awareness. You don’t have to do anything with it.”
That was so freeing. We get caught up in our own lives (even though there are billions of others with their own thoughts and struggles and dreams), when all we need to do is just be mindful. We don’t always have to act and think and do. We can just be.
Suspend our own judgment of ourselves and of our world and just be aware of what is happening right now. Not tomorrow. Not when you’re 50 or 60 or 70. No judgement, no stress, no endless thoughts in our minds, which we can actually control.
So, not only do I not have to spend time wondering how life is going to look at 50, but I don’t even have to spend time thinking about what I want to do with this training when it’s complete. I’m taking that definition of mindfulness, “simply paying attention to whatever is happening” and doing exactly that. I’m just paying attention to the lessons in these classes, to the students who bravely share their experiences with great vulnerability, to the teachers who share their wisdom in such relatable ways and to the experiences on my own cushion. I’m just sitting (or in my case kneeling) with all of it. And, I’m loving every minute of it. I’m not going to tell you that I’m looking forward to completing this training, because I’m just enjoying the experience as it is, exactly as it is, right now.
—Amy Lee Kite
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